Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Heather "Knock Outest Knock Out" Wolnick

Heather can only be described with superlatives.

- Heather was once the world's finest figure skater. Tonya Harding, envious of Heather's style, grace and power on the ice, once started a fight with her. The ensuing brawl was no contest (Heather doesn't suffer fools gladly), and was described by Maxim magazine as the "palest, blondest, sexiest girl-on-girl action of all time."

- At Penn State, America's #1 party school, Heather found the ultimate sport for her in ultimate frisbee. The PSU women's team was named after the Egyptian goddess Isis, the patron deity of various skills, including shotgunning and boatracing.

- On any given team, Heather invariably possesses the most precise flick and the most decisive backhand. She is also the most likely to forget to eat, as she's too focused.

- Off the field Heather applies her keen sense of logic to legal matters, earning her the nicknames "Hammer of Justice," "Resolver of All Disputes" and "You Just Got Served."

- When drunk, Heather becomes the giggliest, giddiest conversationalist. If you're easily embarrassed it's best to avoid playing hot seat when she's around, however, as she will cross-examine the crap out of you.

And there you have it. Heather Wolnick -- truest friend, first-rate teammate, superwoman.

by Steffi Wu

Bonnie's Bio Rap by B

Bonnie's Bio Rap by B

So I'm the niece of Bonnie C. from the east,
here's a bit about why the girl's so sweet
Number one, she laid back but she still abstract
A tiny head on that neck but a brain full of facts
Some things concrete, some things she dreams
Like rights for all and providing all with the means
Number two, she like the music that is the best in the world
I heard Shakira and Volta on a mix I just got from the girl
Number three, she's always up for what you got on your mind
You need to talk, you wanna throw, you wanna have a good time
Yea, she dirty, but damn she kind
Her words are so fresh that you'll never mind
Anyone that met her would love her I bet
Meet the girl, Ok cupid, she's all over the net